The Default Parent (Before I Ever Became One)

Mom Math lives in a few formats. You can read this here, listen to the audio on Substack, or watch the episode on YouTube.

Before we ever had Lucky, back when we were still planning through IVF, Zell warned me that I would likely be the default parent.

Not in a threatening way. Not in a dismissive way. Just in a “let’s be honest about this” way.

He was active duty Army. He had, and still has, a demanding civilian job. I had more flexibility. At the time, I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids at all. He wanted to make sure I was mentally prepared to be the one most relied upon.

If anything, I respected him for naming it.

I also wasn’t naïve to what that meant. I grew up watching my mom do it all after my parents divorced. She had primary custody. She was the default parent. My dad was still very much in my life, but the day-to-day responsibility lived with her.

I saw it again with my stepmom, Maria. She drove me and my brothers to doctor’s appointments, school events, and practices while my dad worked as the primary breadwinner. She carried the calendar. She carried the logistics. She carried the invisible load.

Later, as a bonus mom, I saw it clearly again. My bonus kids’ mothers were the default parents. Zell was the weekend dad. I was the bonus mom. We helped, but the real weight lived with their mothers. I had, and still have, so much respect for them because I knew how heavy that role was.

So when Zell said it out loud, it wasn’t a surprise. I already understood the math.

What I didn’t understand was what it would feel like to live inside it.

Knowing something intellectually and carrying it emotionally are two very different things.

I’m the default parent now. And truthfully, I don’t mind it. And Zell helps me a lot. He encourages me to ask for help. He has always communicated his needs. His travel. His commitments. His dreams. He has always wanted the same for me. He believes that when I thrive, we all thrive.

He honors my time. My space. My work.
He never treats being with Lucky like babysitting. He is her dad.

If I communicate what I need, he shows up.

But he is still in the Army. His rank requires him to travel often. That means school emails, extracurriculars, doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, playdates, and homework usually fall to me.

I manage our social calendar while negotiating deals for Needle and Stitch.
I review homework while editing for clients.
I mean, Lucky literally is sitting next to me doing her homework as I write this.

And sometimes I break.

Sometimes when Zell comes back into our day-to-day rhythm, I forget to lean on him. Sometimes I do not ask because I convince myself I am bothering him. Because he has so much happening.

Which is wild, when you think about it. I worry about bothering him about his own family.

And yet, every time I communicate, he steps in. If he cannot, he tells me. If he can, he does. The issue is not willingness. It is silence.

That is what I have learned about the Default Parent Tax. The only real way to reduce it is communication.

Not perfection.
Not doing more.
Not holding it together better.

Communication.

Sometimes that looks like asking your partner to fully own something.
Sometimes it looks like leaning on the village you have built.
Sometimes it looks like buying back time.

For example, for me, Instacart has been a saving grace.

Yes, I pay a premium, especially on top of already expensive groceries. But what I get back is time. Time for my family. Time for my business. Time for my career. Time for myself. And someone else also earns income in the process.

That trade is worth it (and if it helps you even a little, you can use my referral.
$10 for you and $10 for me, code: MHANKJOHNSON1D1E7).

Being the default parent is not a failure.
It is not a weakness.
It is labor.

And the math only works when we stop carrying it alone.

If this resonated with you, Mom Math Episode 3 goes deeper into the money side of this. I talk about the mom wage gap, how motherhood impacts earning potential, and why invisible labor always shows up on the balance sheet eventually.

You can listen to the podcast within this Substack post or watch Episode 3 on YouTube here.

I’ll leave you with this.

What is one task you are carrying right now that you wish someone else would help with?